summer begins tomorrow at 12:30

and it shall be amazing.

work, friends, DRAWING, late nights, free saturdays, bike rides, peru, fun, relaxation, puzzles, books, learning, writing, music, movies, cooking, netflix, running, singing

learning

healing

growing

being

discovering myself

discovering God

this summer is going to be epic.

thoughts for the day

i think i reached a point where everything that i wanted, dreamed of, had my heart set on, fully depended on and could ever hope for just crumbled before me. everything my heart was beating for, was singing for, was longing for just fell apart before me. and it hurts and it stings and the memories flood over me over and over, not letting me forget what i felt, what i thought, what i lived for.

this is the point in my life where a battle flourishes; where my body is pleading to hold on but my soul is begging to be cleansed and be made new. my emotions, the hurt and the pain and even the questions, want to hold on. because if you hold on, maybe things will be like they once were only better. yet my soul knows the truth; my soul knows that holding on to the poison only contaminates and you can never be what you are meant to be. i cannot be made new if i hold on to what i feel and what i desire because this is poison to my life. however, ive been living like this for 20 years, relying on what i feel as the foundation of truth. this is where i will be made or be broken—this is the fork in the road that can probably alter the rest of my life.

this is the place where i can trade out my illusion of power, of strength, and of knowledge for humility, weakness and truth. its a war and all i see are the armored men coming after me to destroy everything i ever knew. and its moments like these that all i see is the little tiny shield i have in my hand and i freak out. i get desperate and scared thinking ‘i am going to die. this is it. there is nothing more for me—this has to be the end.’ i easily forget that the Lord is with me and in me…that my body is a holy temple for him. That the one who died and rose again, the one that conquered death, lives in me. I forget all of this. The only thing i can remember is that i am weak…and this is true, I am weak, but there is another part to that equation:

i am weak, but He is strong

yet why cant i see this? why cant i hold on to this? why is it so easy to forget?

the battle between my body and my soul are at the height—it has reached the moment of determination. Will I continue the path that saved me, even if it means letting go of what i dreamed and hoped for, letting go of my emotions and everything i thought i knew, or will i stray into the path that will only lead to death?

"

Do I belong to Jesus… or does He belong to me????

What does my life show?

"

i realize

that my identity does not come from the cute new hair cut

the clothes i wear

the way i dance

the heart i have

it doesnt come from the make-up i wear

or the backpack i have

it doesnt come from the way i laugh

or the way i smile

it doesnt come from my quirky habits

it doesnt come from my grades

or what my bank account says

it doesnt come from where i live

or where i came from

it doesnt come from my friends

or family

my identity does not come from my relationship status

or my past

my identity is not defined by the world

or anything in it

it is only defined by blood

blood on a cross that was shed

by grace and mercy

because of immense love and forgiveness

this is where my identity lies

because this is eternal and true

this is real and pure

this will not fade or perish;

one day the hair will no longer exist

and the clothes i wore will degrade

the way i danced will only be a memory

the heart i had will stop beating

the make-up will fade

and the backpack will degrade

the laughter will one day be silence

and the smile will be gone

the quirky habits will cease

the grades wont mean anything

money will be worth nothing

where i live will be gone

where i came from is history

my friends might abandon me

and my family will one day pass on

a relationship isnt forever

and my past has been forgiven…

because everything in the world will one day no longer be

but Jesus Christ— He reigns forever.

????

Today was a very difficult day to say the least. I had another panic/anxiety attack, which messed me up for the rest of the day.

I can’t keep coming back to this. I need Jesus. I need my Father. I can’t keep the self pity, the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the stress, the worries, the anxieties and everything else consume me. But I don’t know how to do that… how do you just step away from all of that? What do you do when you feel all of these emotions; do you just turn from them? Is that ignoring them or is that just letting God take care of it? I want to do this, but I feel like I am not facing the things I need to face…so how do I let go without ignoring the issues? How do I give it all up without just pretending everything is ok? Because its not… at least I’m not. I’m not ok. I am not okay. Behind the carefree smile and the snorting laughter, there is a girl who is falling apart at the very seams. I am falling apart… I feel like Sally from the Nightmare before Christmas… like all of me is different pieces and they’re coming undone and I’m trying to sew them together again but I can’t…its all happening too fast.

But maybe that’s what God is purposely doing? Is he breaking me apart only to put me back together??? Do I just let him? There are too many questions and not enough answers… and I know I shouldn’t be looking for the answers but just trusting that God has control… but I’m not there yet. There is too much hurt and too much pain for me to be able to see past it. The emotions have fogged up my glasses and I just simply cannot see God today. Maybe tomorrow will be different… I’m just so tired of waking up each and every morning knowing its going to be a battle… its going to be a fight to make it through the day. There was once a time when it wasn’t like that, but those days are over for now. Maybe I was too comfortable… pretending to rely on God when all I was doing was relying on myself. God, I’m not comfortable anymore. I’m anything but comfortable. Please hear the cries—both the loud ones and the silent ones.

Honestly, today is one of those days where I need someone to hold me while I weep on their shoulder… not cry, not sniffle, but weep.

yourfriend-jesus:

(Source: synodik)

100 Photosets of Josh Hutcherson  
- Josh singing the Super Mario Brothers theme music

my second celebrity crush ever <3

(Source: i)

and then you realize…

wounds are never healed by time or people or things. Counselors cannot heal your wounds, time cannot heal your wounds, doctors cannot heal your wounds, psychologists cannot heal your wounds, social workers cannot heal your wounds, surgeons cannot heal your wounds, friends or family cannot heal your wounds, Neosporin cannot heal your wounds, music does not heal your wounds, ice cream or chocolate cannot heal your wounds, shopping cannot heal your wounds, movies or distractions cannot heal your wounds, herbs cannot heal your wounds, forgetting doesnt heal your wounds

only the Love and the power of Jesus Christ can heal your wounds.

So God,

take my brokenness

my bruises

my pain

my anger

my anguish

my sores

my cuts

and my wounds

take them all.

"Set a fire down in my soul
that i can’t contain
that i can’t control
I want more of You God
I want more of You God"

this is my prayer tonight

the-absolute-best-gifs:

OMG, HE’S HELPING HIM BACK INTO THE OCEAN 

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awww. team work. :)

(Source: ray-moro)

"I will never be the same
Love has called my name
From the ashes I rise to proclaim!"

learning to give it up

So yesterday after I finished my astronomy exam, I headed to the library to read my bible and journal for a bit before my next class. life has been difficult these past several weeks as God has been tearing down things that were not of Him. I started journaling, writing an angry letter to God for everything that has been happening—for all the struggles and obstacles being put on my path. All I wanted was an answer to where this was all going to take me… what was the point of all of this and what exactly this is going to amount to in the end. I was desperate for an answer, have been desperate for an answer for several weeks now. All I wanted was a yes or a no from Him; I wanted to know exactly where He was taking me so I would know what to do with my feelings, my emotions and how to treat my anxieties.

and then I got this:

“The funny thing about obeying someone is that you never know exactly what you are getting yourself into. Most of the time, you won’t ever know the final result. All you can rely on is Who is leading you. If you trust the One Who is leading, then the destination should not matter”

And then it hit me again:

“You don’t have control over your life. You cannot control your heartbeat or the functioning of your organs to give you one more day of life. You have illusion of control, by deciding what you’re going to eat today or what you will wear, but you don’t actually have control. Most importantly, you don’t have control of knowing what the future holds. You cannot indefinitely say ‘this will certainly happen at this point in time’ because you do not hold this knowledge. So if you do not have control over what will happen, why do you want control of your emotions? If you have all these feelings and emotions, why are you holding on to them as if you will know what to do with them? Instead, give them up to the One that DOES have control, the One that KNOWS everything that has happened to you, since before you were born, and will happen to you, til the day you die. You are clueless as to how to handle such a job, but He is not. He knows what He will do with everything that you feel… He will know whether to heal them or nurture them. He will know how to handle it because He knows what is coming your way. But you have to let go”

And that was that. An angry, cold heart was softened as I realized that I can try to take control, like I have been the past few weeks, but I will never find what I am looking for. If I come to the Father with all that I am offered as a sacrifice, then maybe, just maybe I will find that true joy.

Honestly I’m terrified. And this is a constant battle; every moment I have to remind myself that yes, I have these feelings and emotions, but I have to give them up. I have to remind myself that He knows better than I do, so why would I want to hold on to them anyway?

This is probably the most difficult trial I have endured thus far in my life. I am an emotional girl who relies on her emotions for truth and comfort. I like to dwell and indulge in what I feel, ignoring what may otherwise be TRUE. I never thought that was wrong or unhealthy, but God sure knows more than I do and He is revealing it to me now.

Time to release the grip of my hand on my life. I was holding on so tight that my knuckles were starting to crack and bleed. My Father just wants to heal me :)

and I am back

too much is going on for me not to blog the way Jesus is transforming my life. more to come :)